Halloween

My memories of Halloween consisted of getting dressed up like a vagabond or a gypsy and walking for blocks with fallen leaves around our ankles as we walked on the sidewalks. We smeared charcoal on our faces and got in our mother's or father's old clothes to come up with a costume. I am amazed at the elaborate costumes that are available today from infants to adults. Maybe it is another aspect of making everything so organized. We used to skate on the sidewalks with clamp on skates, always having a skate key around our neck on a string. Now children skate at skating rinks. Games were played in the yard or on the sidewalks, now they are on organized teams. And this business of the little girls being dressed up with make-up and sparkle and crowns. I don't know, but it scares me. Of course, little girls have always dressed up but in mother's old high heels and old prom dresses. But, on Halloween, we can all escape. I wonder if this is part of the appeal. We can act out our suppressed personality. We can even disguise who we are so that people relate to us in a totally different way than usual. Children can become their favorite hero with an elaborate costume. The web has made so many of the fancy costumes available. My oldest grandson one year was a sumo wrestler, with an inflated costume. He could barely walk but it was fun. Another grandson this year is Chris Johnson, his favorite Titan's football player. One of my toddler grandsons is a dragon with an adorable costume. At least with the fancy costumes, they are wearing them more to parties and this year our children are invited to wear them to church. My children went to a Catholic school and they had a parade down a city street. The Nun, Sister Mary Anne, always tried to encourage them to dress like their favorite saint. But, really, that just doesn't meet the fantasy need to be something that you always want to be but can't possibly in reality. I'm not crazy about the older children who do the scary costumes and masks. Discourage your children from doing that, Trick or Treat is for little children and that can be frightening. One family in my daughter's neighborhood did an elaborate Halloween yard display with teenagers jumping out with chain saws. It frightened my grandson so that he ran out into the street. I am thankful that no cars were coming. Also, if you are pregnant, you are definitely too old. I think that most children get a few pieces of candy; we used to fill a pillow case and not stop until we did. But, it is always fun and has spread into the banks, restaurants and dentist office. Enjoy it and remember to see the fantasy in your child's eyes.

separation anxiety

You get the children all cleaned up and yourself ready by 9:30 AM on Sunday morning and head to Sunday School and church. The older children run to their classes with enthusiasm, but when you approach the nursery, there is a toddler clinging to your leg with fierce resistance to enter the place. It is one of the most frustrating things to deal with regarding your toddler. Wish that I had some help with it, but the best advice is to give it some time. Go to the nursery with them, plan to do that. Perhaps you can begin to leave them for very short time periods, starting with a couple of minutes and gradually increasing it so that theoretically, they will learn that you in deed will return. I remember once when I was lost from my mother at Penny's when I was about 7. I remember a sales lady telling me to stand by the front door, there was a belt rack next to me, and that my mother would find me. I really thought that she might not look for me and that I would never see her again.....and I was seven. So, give your toddler some time to grow up. It will naturally get better and I am not sure that it is worth the struggle for both of you to fight it. At least that is my perspective at this time in my life. This post is prompted by a toddler in our church nursery where I hang out quite often, who so resisted for a long time staying in the nursery without a family member. Today he was playing happily and had been on Sundays for the past few weeks. It will happen.

sex

Well, that's a jump, from pacifiers to sex. But, this is prompted by a program that I saw on Dr. Oz yesterday. Just a few points:

Boys don't know much about sex except where it relates to themselves.

There is no such thing as "safe sex".

If birth control was easy, why would your parents have had surgery? If you have sex, you are risking not only pregnancy but disease.

The brain shuts down when the hormones flow...at any age.

Some girls will do whatever to win the favor of boys. Doesn't work that way the other direction...with BOYS.

You don't want to meet a wonderful person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life and have a family and have to tell about parts of your life that you regret, disease, an abortion, a baby somewhere.

Alcohol deactivates the areas of the brain that control higher functions like judgment, discretion, appropriateness, etc. The only part left functioning is what is called the reptilian brain, the first part of the evolution of the brain, the part that controls basic function like respiration. That is why people do stupid stuff that they wouldn't in a sober state.

My answer to this:

Talk to your children about all of it, everything. Knowledge won't hurt, just be conscious of the age of those involved. According to Dr. Oz, middle school is definitely not too soon. They need to know about diseases and psychological complications and reputation. You can never eliminate a reputation. I am getting ready for a 50th high school reunion. We all remember who the fast crowd was.

tattoos

I saw a young woman last night at a restaurant that had bird/chicken tracks tattooed all over her arms. Now, maybe there is a story behind that but, chicken tracks... in her wedding dress, when she is 65? Maybe there was alcohol involved. I think that there is a lot of money to be made now and definitely in the future for removing these things. Of my four children, only the youngest was a part of this trend. She didn't get one, still can't believe it, so many of her friends did. (I think that they are past that age now) Why didn't she? She says that it was something that I said to her...hmmm....She says that she remembers my saying that I am glad that I didn't have to live the rest of my life with something that I would have chosen as a teenager. Wonder what it might have been, can tell you one thing, it wouldn't have been chicken tracks.

PS

I didn't know that more than one pacifier was allowed to each child. Duh. I think of that when I was several for my young grandsons. It could have been easier. Well, I may have had two but buy more if you decide to go this route. Like I said, I didn't learn some of these supposedly simple lessons when I should have.

thumb sucking vs pacifiers

I had four children, three took pacifiers and one sucked her thumb. Those who used pacifiers were taken away at about 6 months. I don't remember why but I was trained as a speech pathologist and had some concerns about...actually, I don't remember what the concerns were, suffice it to say, there were concerns, maybe something about the formation of the palate. Anyway, there was no problem giving it up at that time and I felt that was past the need to suck. They one who sucked here thumb did it until she was about three as I remember. Her teeth were starting to protrude at that point. I bribed her with a doll and a different outfit for several days if she wouldn't suck her thumb that day. When she really quit was when she watched her older sister have her braces adjusted. I didn't do it on purpose, just happened to be holding her when the dentist was talking to me about her sister's braces. But, I did tell her, when she expressed some anxiety for her sister, that sucking her thumb would cause her to need braces also.

So, from my experience, I would try to introduce a pacifier and if it is easy at the time, take it away at about 6 or 7 months. If you don't mind crawling under the bed at 2 AM to find the darn thing, or going back home when you have some other event, to retrieve it, than let them have it as long as you like. I think that it is less harmful than thumb sucking for sure.

baby food trends

Of course, I am a Granny, so my experience is different than yours today. That is why I named this post "trends".

First of all, I was breast fed but when I had children, I was never, no not once, encouraged to breast feed. The new formulas were found to be very satisfactory, according to the pediatricians, it was just a matter of preference. (Remember the thing about the first graders, can't pick out which were breast fed). But, my grandchildren were all breast fed. One mother even pumped her breasts for 7 months so that her child could get his best start when he wasn't able to nurse. Others have been very upset when they couldn't nurse as long as they would have liked. I know, there are antibodies in breast milk, but, I think that mothers suffer a lot unnecessarily over breast feeding vs formula feeding. One advantage for bottle feeding is that mother won't be as tired because others can feed the baby and I think that they must take more from a bottle at a time than with nursing. This isn't an argument for one or the other, just that there are trends and I have seen mothers suffer because of the current trend. There is also the issue of the solid food. My third child was 9lb 14 oz and we stayed in the hospital for a week at that time. Before I went home, the pediatrician stood in my room and said, "Get him on solid food as soon as you can, go through the cereals, fruits and vegetables and get him on meat as soon as you can. He will wear you out trying to feed him all of the formula that he will need." When I acted surprised, he said, "Do the math, he needs x # of calories for every pound he weighs." Now he is a tall slim runner and I think, very healthy. In some cultures, I have read that they scrape meat and feed it to babies. Who knows, it does change from generation to generation. It will probably be different when you have grandchildren. The thing to do then is what they see is "right" at the time. Children are amazingly adaptable and resilient. All of this is said so that you new mothers will relax and enjoy and nurture this baby. That is what they need most of all and that doesn't change.

Potty training

WHEN THEY ARE READY, note I said, when THEY are ready not when YOU are ready, it shouldn't take more than a weekend of concentrated effort. If you just do them as if you were training a puppy, if you know how to do that right, it won't take a weekend. Take them to the potty when they wake up and after eating and about every 30 minutes otherwise. Best to do during warm weather for obvious reasons. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything else, frankly, just know that they will when they are ready but don't be afraid to help them understand what they are to do. After all, wouldn't you rather wear cute panties /underpants than those big ole plastic things. They will love it when they get the idea. If they don't seem to be getting it, back off and wait a week or two and try again. I usually found that a good signal of when to begin was when they wake up with a dry diaper. Of course, make a big deal of success and certainly, never, never scold. You wouldn't do that though, I know. Good luck...

elders and babies

At this point in my life, I find myself sometimes up with babies and sometimes with an octogenarian. It is very much alike in that just when you get them settled at night and get settled for a few winks, they want something else. Losing sleep can be so difficult, hard to maintain patience. So, that said, sleep when the baby sleeps, leave the other unnecessary stuff, it will wait. This phase won't last for long. Ask for help also. My mother gave me a piece of needlework that said, "Quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep." We know that in the light of day, but remember it when you have a baby or sick child and don't feel badly about napping during the day. It is the right thing to do so that you have more left for the baby in the middle of the night.

names, names, names

Most parents ponder for months the name of their new baby. It is important because it contributes to the persona of the person for the rest of their life. It is unfortunate that the person cannot have some of the input into the choice. I speak from the position of being named for my great grandmother. But, to this day, when I introduce myself to a new person, I cringe when I say my name. It wasn't helped when my son found a list of the worst names, mine was there. I like my middle name, which was for my grandmother. It has been used with the next two generations but I have threatened my children if they name a child after me. I am serious.

I have four children and I think that all of them like their names except for one. He thinks that it is a little boy name. He prefers the traditional names like Sam, Jack, John, Bill and says that he has never known anyone with one of this designer names who is worth much. Generalization I am sure but that is his perspective. Women tend to want the unique name for their special child. Be careful with family names, nice if it is a name that they won't cringe for the rest of their life when saying it.

Names go in cycles, obviously. My generation the "new" names were Carol, Betty, Patsy, Gayle, Elaine. When have you heard those names used today? I think that the names that are being used are some of the ugliest. I won't go into those since it might offend someone. You can almost guess the age of someone named Renee or Jennifer or Kelly. Think about it, your child's personality will make the name his. Some of my favorite names for girls are Susan, Emily, Ann, Laura, none of which did I use. For boys, I like names that can't be confused for girls or "y" added on. Bob becomes Bobby, John, Johnny etc. Also, don't use a name that has to be spelled every time they go to the doctor or have to sign up for something. How will it look on a ballot or marquis? As my mother, they all cost the same, just give it some thought from different perspectives. Also, watch for initials. I laugh when I think of my friend whose initials are ASS, well, it was her married name, but she can't even get an acceptable monogram by putting the last name in the middle. Good luck...

disposition

Yes, a good disposition is a wonderful thing, wherever you may find it. Set the example for your children of patience and a positive outlook in every way that you can. I didn't say that it was always easy but worthy of cultivation.

language development

Language development is an amazing thing to observe. How do they learn a language in their first two years? How long would it take you to learn Chinese? Obviously, there are special factors involved at this young age. Don't the experts say that you can only learn a language without accent in the first seven years? Apparently that is the prime time for such development. So, as parents, doesn't it make sense that for anything to come out, something has to go in. I think this is called receptive language, what you put in and expressive language, what comes back out. So, it is never too young to talk to a child. Talk as you normally would, or should, and they learn the patterns of the sounds, tone, pitch and gradually make associations with the activity or objects. My youngest daughter has been pretty amazing with her one child. She has always talked to him a lot, in fact to the point that we thought she was a little extreme in the things that she said to him. Well, guess what, at age 2, his language skills are pretty impressive. A cute story: I was with them a couple of weeks ago. He was working a puzzle in a store while we shopped. A lady asked how old he was while observing him working the puzzle. When I told her, she said that he was doing very well. I asked him the name of the vehicle he was placing in the puzzle and he said, "Excavator"; she just smiled and rolled her eyes. It is a physiological fact; a person, even a child, must hear language to learn to speak the language. So, read and talk to them, in your normal voice...a lot...and see what happens. That said, early language development just makes communicating with a toddler easier, but don't worry, you won't be able to tell the early talkers from the others when they go to first grade. In fact a lot of the things that we have concern about such as when they walk or when they potty train will not be an issue when they are in first grade. It will all happen in good time. Anyone who has raised more than one knows that they are all different.

One of the greatest gifts that we can give our children is to see delight in our eyes when they enter the room.

a baby deserves

One of my pet peeves is to see children dragged around town in a shopping cart when you know that they are exhausted. Children deserve to be at home in their beds for a nap and a regular bedtime. Granted, there are necessary exceptions, but remember, a baby deserves to be in a quiet safe comfortable bed at the appropriate times. It will be needed for such a relatively short period of time. It's a parent's responsibility, their part of the deal.

another older friend's advice

You don't have to teach children to be honest, faithful, responsible, kind, loving, polite and good citizens of the world, show them by your example. They will be all of those things and you will be a better person also. Really, it works.

A friend who also has grown children and grandchildren once told me that her husband would frequently remind her as their children were growing up to "give them good memories". She said that when they wanted to pop popcorn and it was bedtime and she was tired, he would say this. It was annoying to her at times but now she agrees. I wish that I had this painted across the wall in my house when my children were growing up. We all have memories of our childhood, some are good and some not so good. What you remember may not be what your mother remembers, just a different perspective. But, think of the adult that this child will become and put in memories of you and your home life for them to treasure, not those that they want to forget.

When I was first a parent, I felt that I was going to mold these children into the people that I chose they would be. In fact, I had the responsibility to do so. Now, as a grandparent, I see this next generation of children and wonder who they will become. I think that so much of the raw material is present and we only have to keep them safe and love them into whom they are destined to become. Oversimplification, perhaps, but look at each situation as whether the decision makes them safe and loved. It's a good beginning point. It also frees you as parents to delight in the adventure of their emerging into adults.